“Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world’s great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.
I am haunted by waters.”
― Norman Maclean,
(a thriving viola / Julie Cook / 2016)
Somedays we write our posts laced with happiness and smiles,
As other days we find our posts derived from the midsts of infectious laughter.
Some posts are written when deep in thought…
While others are written briefly, gliding across the screen…
with the lightness of a feather,
caught innocently on a Spring morning’s breeze.
There are reflective posts written as mirrors of the times…
While others are written in anticipation of our promised tomorrows.
As still there are those posts written forlornly…
remembering all that has ever been…
Some days posts are written through eyes filled with tears,
with tear streaked cheeks and the ache of breaking hearts.
They are written through the frustration of helplessness…
and at times, through the desperation of hopelessness….
Some days they are written selfishly for ourselves…
While other days they are written without our conscious knowledge,
only intended for those “others” out there in need…
Today is no different…
A post is composed.
Today it comes from the heaviness of a battered heart.
The tears have somewhat dried,
yet the wet streaked tracks remain etched on cheeks hiding a set jaw of clenched teeth.
A call, a text, is often all it takes to change the day.
As ongoing battles loom out of reach and out of control.
The story is the same, merely growing longer.
Harder to smooth out.
Lives long gone are keenly missed as their empty presence cuts through both space and time…
Their losses suddenly feeling as fresh today as they did so very long ago..
like a searing knife falling through cold butter.
Effortlessly the hurt floods back.
Having been left alone to deal with it all seems, today, almost monumental.
Resentment for all that was comes crashing to the forefront.
Choices made, always the choices made, effect more than ourselves,
Yet at the time, who thinks of others or future others affected?
Our choices are selfishly seen as our own…
Born a fixer,
I fix things.
It’s what I do.
Yet as life will always have its way,
we each quickly discover that fixing is not always possible…
So we, the fixer and the observers, are relegated to helplessly and hopelessly watching…
Expendable is what we quickly become when the lost look to holding on to what they have.
Desperation and panic trumps rationality and ties that bind.
It’s like the song that gets stuck in one’s head.
Over and over it plays, seemingly without any end.
Never seeming able to string all of the verses together…
in order for it to end.
And just when you think you are broken, be it for the day or for life,
dropped to your knees with the tears freely flowing,
A word, maybe two, maybe several…suddenly surface from somewhere deep within your head…
“couldn’t fight back the tears so I fell on my knees…
Saying, “God if you’re there, come and rescue me….”
“Something In The Water”
By Carrie Underwood
He said, “I’ve been where you’ve been before.
Down every hallway’s a slamming door.
No way out, no one to come and save me.
Wasting a life that the Good Lord gave me.
Then somebody said what I’m saying to you,
Opened my eyes and told me the truth.”
They said, “Just a little faith, it’ll all get better.”
So I followed that preacher man down to the river and now I’m changed
And now I’m stronger
There must’ve been something in the water
Oh, there must’ve been something in the water
Well, I heard what he said and I went on my way
Didn’t think about it for a couple of days
Then it hit me like a lightning late one night
I was all out of hope and all out of fight
Couldn’t fight back the tears so I fell on my knees
Saying, “God, if you’re there come and rescue me.”
Felt love pouring down from above
Got washed in the water, washed in the blood and now I’m changed
And now I’m stronger
There must be something in the water
Oh, there must be something in the water
And now I’m singing along to amazing grace
Can’t nobody wipe this smile off my face
Got joy in my heart, angels on my side
Thank God almighty, I saw the light
Gonna look ahead, no turning back
Live every day, give it all that I have
Trust in someone bigger than me
Ever since the day that I believed I am changed
And now I’m stronger
There must be something in the water (amazing grace)
Oh, there must be something in the water (how sweet the sound)
Oh, there must be something in the water (that saved a wretch)
Oh, there must be something in the water (like me)
I am changed (I once was lost)
Stronger (but now I’m found)
(was blind but now I see)
I’ll be in prayer for you on this I promise.
thank you Wally—yesterday was bad…but luckily we have our tomorrows of hope–today nothing has changed, by I am shored back up, setting my jaw and rolling up the sleeves…again…I am walking a tight rope between my dad, the caregivers, my stepmother and her family—she is failing both physically and mentally quite quickly—this situation is steeped in denial ( my dad who sees but lives in lala land over it all), a lack of action by those who need to step in and step up…then the caregivers who are at their wits ends…
it’s a mess and I’m in the middle—most days I muddle through–somedays it all hits the fan and I’m in the cross winds—like yesterday—but as Scarlett so aptly reminds us…tomorrow is another day—Thank God!!!
Yes, tomorrow is another day. Great movie, that was. She saw the hope in the grimmest of circumstances huh? I wish I could say I understand, but I have never been in those shoes. But, I can pray and hope for the best, and I do.
Julie, please know that you are in my prayers as well. We don’t walk this journey alone!
I appreciate it Lynda– some days it’s just harder with them then others and yesterday was one of them–
Reblogged this on Talmidimblogging.
Julie what I liked here is the faith, the going foward, and the encouragement you give to us each time. But I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. I have no wisdom to impart, but I do know there are things we can experience in life that do not make sense. I know what it is like to be so totally dejected and to have lost hope. So I pray God will minister to you and be with you in a special way, in Jesus name. Amen. And please remove my previous comment of amazing if it seems insensitive. Peace to you.
Oh no Nicodemas, amazing stands as it is amazing — to one day find oneself down and out, seemingly beaten by all that surrounds us– then the morning comes as we are able to see things anew– as we live to fight a new day’s challenge– I thank you for your heartfelt words and concern — aging parents are not all filled with grace– but there is Almighty Grace which abounds
We all experience days like this, but isn’t it great to know that even our toughest times can rest in n Jesus’ shoulders? I will keep you in prayer and I know that God will hear all of us. Love you, sweet Yoda!
My heart feels heavy knowing my friend is struggling. Sending all my love and virtual support from Jenna in Australia. Don’t be hard on yourself. Sometimes the fixer needs to retreat and restore. Take care of yourself my friend. ❤ ❤ ❤
thanks Jenna–this elderly parent business is not for the faint of heart—
Yesterday was not so good—today the sun came out and I sucked it all up and I’ll press on again until we have another bad day—which could be sooner than later the way they’re going—but I greatly appreciate your support and knowing that you understand and care… 🙂
Oh my, missy! Why didn’t you call me?