dreams

“Yes: I am a dreamer.
For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight,
and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”

Oscar Wilde

Spare a little candle
Save some light for me
Figures up ahead
Moving in the trees
White skin in linen
Perfume on my wrist
And the full moon that hangs over
These dreams in the mist

These Dreams lyrics
Heart

dscn4686
(super moon 2016 / Julie Cook)

Maybe it was the moon…all that super business doing some massive gravitational pull
on my subconscious…
Or maybe that’s just it in a nutshell, my subconscious…

It was about 5:30 this morning when I woke from a night of fitful sleep.
I had a headache.
If it’s not my back, it’s also my neck—
as in all my discs are giving out…
and obviously the warranty has given out as well…

I got up and rummaged around in the oddly lit house under the watchful eye of the latest super moon,
looking for a couple of motrin to alleviate the gnawing aching pain.
I thought I’d just go ahead and get up since I was pretty much wide awake…
But knowing I had a long day in Atlanta with Dad, what harm would laying back down do,
just for a minute….

Bad idea.

Obviously I fell back asleep…into one of those massively deep sleeps…
as in out like the dead.

It was during this dead sleep that I found myself having the most crazy and vivid dream.

But of course I don’t know why that would be something new or out of the ordinary because
all of my dreams are pretty much crazy.
They often seem quite real albeit bizarre, odd and absolutely not normal.

In this particular dream I was somewhere, though I knew not where,
I just knew it was not home, nor any place familiar.
I was pushing my son in a baby carriage…whereas in real life he’s almost 28…
yet in the dream he was a baby.

We were trying to get away from some bad guy who was following us.
The next thing I remember is that I’m reading in a newspaper in some sort of room
that was again, not familiar.
It was the obituaries and I was reading that both my dad and godfather had each died as
I suddenly found myself desperately trying to text my mother to tell her what I’d read…
because I knew she’d need to know and would need my help.

Ok, so in real life, my mom has been gone now for over 30 years, long before texting ever existed,
let alone living in a society that is now joined at the hip with their cell phones.

I remember that I frustratingly couldn’t get the text right….
which just means that some part of my brain knew that mother was not exactly in texting range….
and yet I couldn’t find my right clothes or any of my “stuff” …
because remember, I was someplace unfamiliar….

Thankfully I finally woke up…only to realize that both my husband I had overslept—
I jumped up, he got up…
and off we both raced for the day.

As he was getting ready to leave for work, I told him briefly about my dream—
and in his typical nonplused fashion…
“I can tell you where you were.”
“Really?!
You can?!” I marveled.
“Yeah, you were in the nut house because all your dreams are the stuff for loony bins”

And I suppose he has a point.

The night before last, I dreamt someone was trying to kidnap and kill my beloved cat
and that I had gotten Carrie Underwood to watch him and help keep him safe.

But I knew where that bizarre dream was born…
it was the direct result of the heavy birthday supper I had eaten that night—
very rich and overfilling…resulting in very poor and fitful sleep.

Last night’s dream however was so vivid that I woke with tears in my eyes and immediately hit
the computer to scour over the obits for my godfather…who thankfully was not there.
A bit irrational but that’s how clear it all seemed.

He and dad are in equally poor states of health…both physically and mentally
with him in a facility while dad is still at home….
So I imagine that that constant worry over both of them,
simply lingers somewhere past the waking and cognizant part of my brain.

And then there was / is mom.
Obviously I am missing her tremendously as I now go it alone caring for dad.

When I was young and foolish I would, from time to time, imagine what it would be like when I
was like my parents who, at the time, were caring for both of my grandmothers—
it’s just that I never imagined what we’d all be living, or in mother’s case not living,
as we are today.
And maybe that’s the thing—life is never what we imagine nor dream what it will be.

Sometimes it can be the stuff of dreams—
all good, all nice and all delightfully other worldly…
but for the majority of the time,
it is humanly real, raw and very very hard.

I think that’s why I’ve let what’s going on in this country of ours bother me so badly…
as it’s just left me feeling so depressed, not that my own life hasn’t been depressing enough.

Life is hard.

And it requires a great deal from us just to make it through.

I work hard just getting through each day…
as these past two years have been all but draining of all emotions and physical well being.
It’s as if I’ve been living under a very heavy grey cloud…
ever since, having lost their cognitive and physical freedoms,
Dad and my stepmother required outside help.

And it is very much that I have bordered on depression on and off these past two years.

Yet I work very hard to make certain that they are ok in their own home…
cause that’s how dad wants it…
to go out in a box from his own home…whenever that day comes—
despite me explaining to him that I don’t think a box will be involved….

There is the day to day running of their household…
the caregivers, the housekeeper, the nurses, hospice, the bills, the taxes, the invoices,
the groceries, the doctors, the hospitals, the maintenance on a older home…
And then there is our household 75 miles away—
as in me the caregiver, the maid, the cook, the yardman, and everything else in between…
when and if there is time or energy or even desire…

People wonder why I don’t have time to do this or that anymore…
why can’t I squeeze in anything for me or for them or for whatever…
I obviously don’t even have time to sleep worth a flip let alone the nicer things about
nurturing self or that of friendships….

So I grow angry when I see on the news the sea of protesters across this county.
Surely I’m not the only person who has life issues to contend with.
My life is more than enough to keep me busy and focused…
Lord knows how’d I manage to balance protesting, marching, walking out of class…
all the while fussing and cussing with my neighbors on the street…

Life is bigger than any of us realize…
It’s bigger than this election.

When it is all said and done…
presidents will come and go,
elections will come and go…

Some elections will go the way we want and some will not…
that’s how life works—not always as we’d like…

That’s simply life and it is what it is wherever or not you and I like that…

And I can honestly say that anyone battling a catastrophic illness, caring for loved ones,
watching elderly parents slowly slip away or who has been devastatingly injured,
will tell you that that is not how they ever would have imagined or dreamed their lives would go.

So everyone out there who seems to think they have all sorts of time for all
this bitching, complaining and nasty fussing and cussing…
because that’s what protests are are they not…glorified bitching and complaining…
obviously has way too much time on their hands to waste…
the otherwise precious energy for living.

My God, can’t those of you just be thankful that you can afford to be in college?
And can apparently afford to ditch class…
not to mention all these high school kids out there walking out of class who can’t yet even vote.
Stay in class for heaven’s sake and learn something about being a decent citizen
because wandering around on the streets fussing and cussing your neighbor
isn’t gaining anything but expending wasted anger….

Instead of wrath and anger, be thankful that you live in a country that affords you
the opportunity to vote—
Never mind that whomever it was you wanted to win may not have won…
because that’s simply the result when two people run…one wins, one does not.
That’s called democracy and you have a military that has lost countless of lives
of men and women over the generations who sacrificed everything for you…
you who now use your protected freedom and wasted time in life that you cannot get back
to bitch, complain, fuss and cuss and march…

But be glad you have choice…so many countries don’t get choice.
That little fact is in part why other nations view us as entitled and spoiled—
we bitch and complain even when we have options and choice…
as in we never really seem happy.

Be glad that obviously you are healthy enough to go out, ditching class or work,
just to bitch and complain…
because those who are sick, hurting or busy with the demands of life, simply can’t fit any of that in.

Dream…dream big…big wonderful sorts of dreams…
because one thing we know about America is that dreaming and working can make dreams come true—
because America has always equated to opportunity…
where in other nations…
opportunity not so much….

Don’t fuss and cuss…because life is simply too short…
Dreaming is so much more important and much more fun and much more hopeful and much more productive
than bitching and complaing and marching and fussing and cussing our neighbors….

Just ask Dad….who just wishes he could have a little more time in life to dream….

“In the last days, God says,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your young men will see visions,
your old men will dream dreams….”

Acts 2:17

24 comments on “dreams

  1. atimetoshare.me says:

    ‘We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.’ Good old Willie, must’ve had some doozy of dreams as well. We are indeed what we dream and your life right now is filled with so much chaos. it isn’t surprising to hear the intensity of your dreams. My heart bleeds for you. My dreams have caused my husband to think of having me institutionalized too. One recurring dream that never goes away is not packing lunches for my children and having them go off to school with nothing to eat. I still dream that dream though my children are all grown and have children of their own. It must be the caretaker in each of us that causes us to express our deepest thoughts in sleep.

    • indeed Kathy—and whereas I know this caretaker on this end will be ok, as I think you will as well—I’m not so sure about the other caretakers of this great Nation of ours… as I don’t think she’s being well looked after by all of the angry liberal news media, the spoiled entertainment industry or the youthful ones who they each encourage to throw a massive temper tantrum…sigh

      • atimetoshare.me says:

        It will settle down eventually. I wish our current leaders would take a stronger stand against all this nonsense .

  2. Oh my gosh, you just keep knocking it out of the ball park even after all than you have been through and still are going through! I stand in awe of your ability to do so. Please call on me if and when you need to. I know that you have to be fighting depression over this and the state of the world in general as well. There’s an old hymn that says “just one day at a time sweet Jesus” and I’ve had to rely and sing that during times like you are and have been going through! And I’ve had to make a mantra out of “This too shall pass” on so many occasions. In the last two days, I’ve quit watching the news and reading anything on WP or FB about the election. All this post election stuff is so ridiculous and so frightening as well. So I’m relying on the knowledge that God is still in control and that He is sovereign and that He is good and that He has and a plan and a purpose for me and what time I have left. And I can’t focus on Him and that with all this garbage that’s keeping me disheartened and off track! But that’s what the father of lies is trying to do, keep our eyes on him and not on the Lord. Love and hugs, sweet Julie 🙂 ❤

  3. SLIMJIM says:

    How far do you have to drive given that you woke up so early? (Or woke up early originally before the dream).

    • Hi Jim—I always write my posts in the late afternoon in order to post the following day—so the sequence my seem off but as in this case it was the previous night and morning…meaning I posted the tale the day after as I wrote it the day of..even after I had been to dad’s…
      on a perfect no traffic day, I can make it to dad in just over an hour—on a typical Atlanta traffic day it has taken me upwards of 3 and even 5 hours to come or go—

  4. KD Manes says:

    Hi Julie, I admire your commitment & love toward your Dad. I’ve had dreams before where I can’t find the right clothes or make it out the door in time to get who knows where . . . very frustrating & exhausting! Anyway, I hope you find some rest & take some time for yourself. You & your Dad are in my prayers. 🙂

  5. Sarah says:

    Wow, Julie. So much to deal with. I’m a little lost for words. All I can say is hang in there, keep up the good work, and never stop trusting God. We can do nothing without Him. One habit that I started when things were really stressful a couple of years ago (it was before I was baptised actually) was to say the Jesus prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.” Whenever I felt my mind racing and starting to panic I would say the prayer over and over again (in my head if I wasn’t alone). It really helped me, and I still say it now every day whenever I remember to say it. Catholics call these prayers ejaculations which is a little unfortunate. 🙂 I’ve also heard them called aspirations.
    Btw, I wouldn’t worry about your dreams being crazy. They don’t sound weird to me. You’ve just got an artist’s brain. 😀

  6. Sarah says:

    It happened again. After I read your post and wrote my comment about the Jesus Prayer, I came upon this post about the Jesus Prayer – http://aleteia.org/2016/11/17/bishop-barron-a-pilgrim-a-bishop-and-his-iphone/

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