in all of our tears… there rests the Divine

“A sense of the divine presence and indwelling bears the soul towards heaven
as upon the wings of eagles.”

Charles Haddon Spurgeon

(ornamental cabbage / Julie Cook / 2017)

Obviously I am tired.
Not in a working-out sort of tired.
Not in the end of a really long day or week sort of tired.
Not in the sleep deprivation sort of tired.

I’m just weary.
And I am very tired.
And I am overwhelmed.

For such is the season of my life

And such is the life of a person who is caring for aging parents…
where one of the two is in the process of dying from cancer.

The daily commuting to and fro is hard.
The coordinating of the care, the medical issues, the groceries, the house…
that is all hard.
The lack of time for one’s own world and home is hard…

Who has one?

What are those?

Clean house?

Yet it is to the waiting and watching for the inevitable…
that is the hardest.
It is also the saddest.

For ever since mother died 30 years ago, it’s been pretty much, for good or bad,
just me and dad.
I took over the roll of parenting him when both mother and my grandmother died just
months apart.
I had just turned 26 at the time.
And despite his remarrying when he was almost 70, it’s really just been me and him.

Watching the body slowly failing and falling apart…
The moans and groans of pain…
The halting morphine induced thoughts and speech…
The sounds, sights, smells…
nothing good.
Especially when I’ve already done the same thing 30 years prior.

Add to that the now spouse…the one who suffers with the ever increasing dementia…
the one who has nary a clue as to who any of us are…
it makes things either really really comical or really really sad…
…and my money is on the comical.

Oh but I don’t want to waste our time here today bemoaning my life.
You really don’t want to hear about it anyway.
No one really likes a complainer…

Yet maybe we ought to try telling that to all those nutters out there who are currently
spending their time shouting, marching, demonstrating and protesting…
I bet they’re tired…
tired of fussing…
just as much as the rest of us are tired of hearing
and seeing it all…
but I digress….

I can’t even find respite in my sleep…
for in my sleep are the dreams of a mind that is over burdened.

In last night’s dream there was this scene of my mother’s funeral where my husband
decided to wear a Hawaiian shirt rather than a suit, rendering me mortified.

The reality is that my mom’s funeral was over 30 years ago and my husband doesn’t own
nor would he ever wear a Hawaiian shirt.

Or how about the other night when my husband had to shake me awake in order to get me to stop
“screaming” in my sleep…
all because I was dreaming that I had walked into the house that use to be our house years ago
and there were strange people, squatters, trying to take over the house…
I was screaming at them to get out.
A disconcerting moment at 3 AM when one’s spouse is sound asleep.

The reality was that I had flipped through the television and caught a bit of that alligator
Swamp People show…there had been a devastating flood in southern Louisiana last
year and one of the regulars on the show had to leave his home because it had flooded.
The episode showed him coming back to the house after the flood waters had receded…
leaving behind a house full of huge bullfrogs and a giant snapping turtle.

Or how about the other night when I was dreaming that I was trying to take my son,
who in the dream was a toddler but in real life is almost 30,
in order to seek safety because the planet was under attack by evil aliens…
space aliens, not the illegal variety…
and we were racing in a car, desperately trying to find safety as we were having to hit,
running over, the evil invaders in order to get away….

The reality was that I had flipped through, once again, the channels catching a brief
snippet of the movie Fury on the History Channel—
it was right when the Sherman tank, commandeered by Brad Pitt’s character,
went rolling over the heads and bodies of Germans in their fox holes, naturally crushing them…
I think that’s when I flipped it as I wasn’t up to the horrors of war that evening…
only to have them come flooding back oddly in a dream…sigh….

So not even in sleep is there a safe haven these days.

no matter how bad things may be right now…
No matter how sad,
how heavy,
how hard…

I know I do not go this alone…
Despite often feeling very much alone.

I can’t make dad better, I can’t even make him feel better right now.
As this is now all pretty much out of my hands…

Yet I know that neither Dad nor I are alone in this.
Despite the naysayers cries, those non-believers who scoff
at the purported “fairytale” which is to be found at the center of all of this…
There is a Hand moving much deeper in all of this…

For this particular moment in time is but fleeting…
despite the seemingly never ending and endless melancholy
merry go round we now ride…
For there are blessings, there is Grace…
and there is the Divine…
the very hand of God…

“Rejoice in the Lord,’ said St Paul (Phil. 3 : 1).
And he was right to say, ‘in the Lord’.
For if our joy is not in the Lord, not only do we not rejoice,
but in all probability we never shall. Job, as he described the life of men,
found it full of every kind of affliction (cf. Job 7 : 1-21),
and so also did St Basil the Great.
St Gregory of Nyssa said that birds and other animals rejoice because
of their lack of awareness, while man, being endowed with intelligence,
is never happy because of his grief.
For, he says, we have not been found worthy even to have knowledge of the blessings
we have lost. For this reason nature teaches us rather to grieve,
since life is full of pain and effort, like a state of exile dominated by sin.
But if a person is constantly mindful of God, he will rejoice: as the psalmist says,
‘I remembered God, and I rejoiced’ (Ps. 77 : 3. LXX).
For when the intellect is gladdened by the remembrance of God,
then it forgets the afflictions of this world, places its hope in Him,
and is no longer troubled or anxious.
Freedom from anxiety makes it rejoice and give thanks;
and the grateful offering of thanks augments the gift of grace it has received.
And as the blessings increase, so does the thankfulness,
and so does the pure prayer offered with tears of joy.”

St. Peter of Damascus

30 comments on “in all of our tears… there rests the Divine

  1. Elihu says:

    I am thankful for your willingness to share with us this dark valley through which you walk as well as the strength you find in the Lord. May He continue to be your shelter in the storm and your comfort in spite of circumstance. Praying for you, Julie.

  2. Reblogged this on Talmidimblogging and commented:
    You’re an inspiration Julie!!

  3. Melissa Presser (still Esquire) says:

    I hear your crying heart Julie, and although this has been and continues to be a dark period for you, the beauty in your words lets me know that God is there. I could hear his footsteps in every word you wrote, far above the words… Love you my friend

    • Oh Melissa that is so true– His footsteps are there– it’s what Padre Pio said– that He draws ever so close when we are at our lowest– when we hurt, when we suffer–He races to us , drawing that much closer

  4. Lynda says:

    Yes, Julie, I am so thankful that you know that you aren’t walking this journey alone. You not only have the Lord with you, but you have many who are praying for you. May God give you the strength to continue to be present for your dad and may your dad feel the presence of our Lord! Blessings and prayers.

  5. Ditto the comments above. Praying for you and appreciative of you being open enough to share your journey.

  6. says:

    I love you, Julie and all you are doing through this experience. Without even realizing it, you’re reaching out to others who are experiencing many of the painful things you are right now. My friend who has been undergoing cancer treatment for the past 15 years is now on his deathbed and it’s been a week of waiting for his family. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind my sharing this with you. As his family gathered around his bed yesterday and watched as he lay peacefully without movement – he finally opened his eyes and said, “It’s kind of like watching paint dry, isn’t it?” I love this man. He’s found humor in his last days and he’s also so eager to die. This sadness will soon pass and life will go on. We will never forget those who have passed into heaven before us, but their memories will live with us until we meet again. Your dreams are maybe God’s way of giving you some comic relief from all this. I continue to pray for your peace of mind.

  7. Oh my sweet Julie. The road has been long and hard! You have been so very faithful throughout the long arduous path you’ve been asked to walk and the glory of the Lord yet shines through you despite your weariness of body and soul. You are a good and faithful servant my friend. Love and hugs, Natalie 🙂

  8. Hugs Julie. And prayers. No other words for you.

  9. SLIMJIM says:

    Sister you are going through so much. I’m constantly praying for you. Your dad is blessed to have you.

  10. oneta hayes says:

    Julie, you are so inspirational and upbeat I had no idea you were carrying this load. How right yu are to know you are in it with the Lord. May He uphold you and give you rest and peace.

  11. Karen says:

    I can just imagine how very tired you are both physically and mentally…you are dealing with so very much. Even when I don’t get a chance to stop by and read your posts, you are always in my thoughts. I’m not living with any stress but unfortunately I’m having dreams where my screams wake my husband so many nights too. You and your father are in my prayers.

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