Totus Tuus / Entirely Yours

Totus Tuus…
The apostolic motto of Pope John Paul II
latin for
Entirely Yours


(a small creek and waterfall runs into a quiet lake cove / Julie Cook / 2017)

My cousin called me this afternoon, checking in on progress.
I ran down my list…with not much progress to report.
My monotone responses probably told him more than any unfinished laundry list could.
He told me to perk up.
Easier said then done when facing a seemingly unmovable wall.

Life right now is still overwhelming but in an entirely different
sort of fashion then from before.

For good or bad my stepmother’s estranged daughter has decided she wants to move
her mother to North Carolina, to be closer to her.
My stepmother’s son, who I have worked closely with over these past two years,
is reluctantly acquiescing to the option.
It’s complicated.
I think that was the title of a recent movie.
I can relate.

They move her next weekend.

They are packing up her little world.
What’s left and what remains of my dad’s world
will wait to be purged once my stepmother is moved.

It only seemed appropriate that she should move first before I “move” Dad.

When the dust settles with all of this,
our son and daughter-n-law will eventually move to the house…
With the house that I called home for 55 of my 57 years,
the place where I grew up, will soon be theirs.

Dad wanted that.

But I’m still jumping through hoops…
As I continue filing papers, waiting on lawyers, waiting to close then open
all sorts of accounts and continue paying exorbitant bills as none of that
goes away when one dies…
I am facing movings, re-movings, packing, repacking, good-byes, hellos…
shifting lives that are not mine but lives I am responsible for or a part of…

My stepmother claims no knowledge of who Dad was.
She told me again today she had no known remembrance of “that man”
“and isn’t that the craziest thing?”
“I can’t believe you all keep telling me I was married to him.”
On and on she goes remembering everything around him but not him.
She even told him this before he died, that she never remembers meeting him.
He stared at her as I had tried telling him this, but he didn’t want to hear it.

Yet she can point out a mirror hanging on the wall in my dad’s bedroom…
a mirror that she wants me now to take down so she can take it with her…
because that mirror has hung in every house she’s ever lived in.

Go figure.

So as I continue wrestling with life…mine and others…
I have found a new book…
or maybe I should say, the book found me.

The book is from the private diaries of Karol Wojtyla—Pope John Paul II

Any of you who know me, know that the late pope has always been very important
to me—ever since I watched him walk out on that balcony overlooking St Peter’s square
in 1978, with arms raised, greeting the world as the first Polish pope.

The title of the book is
In God’s Hands
and it is the spiritual diary spanning approximately 41 years of his priesthood.

The diaries were to be burned upon the Pope’s death but his close aide and confidant
Stanislaw Cardinal Dziwisz defied that wish as he understood the spiritual
significance of sharing these private thoughts and writings.

They were just recently translated into English and made available to an audience other
than Polish or Italian readers.

The Pope reminded me of something very important, right on the very first page…

“At a certain point, however, one needs to abandon human calculations and
somehow grasp the Godly dimensions of every difficult issue.”

Sometimes we need to be reminded of the One who is always in control no matter how
out of control we may feel….

Thank you Fr. Wojtyla….

Oh Heavenly Father, may I learn to be…
entirely yours….

Totus Tuus…
Entirely yours

10 comments on “Totus Tuus / Entirely Yours

  1. Lynda says:

    Julie, how heartbreaking to know that Gloria denies all memory and association with your dad. But you know how kind he was to her and that is the important thing to remember. I’m so happy that your son and daughter-in-law will be moving into your childhood home – what a blessing that is for everyone! And yes, may we all be on the journey to being totally God’s! Blessings on your day.

    • I’ll have to email you about it all Lynda—Brenton left his job—realizing it is not the environment for a married young man let alone a Christian—and they had been very cutthroat—so he’s to back looking—so prayers are again greatly needed in their direction—but we are proud of him for seeing that the situation was not fit for where he is in life—yet that puts things in a scary place for them right now—

  2. I’m so sorry that Gloria is either in such denial or her dementia has gotten so much worse that she genuinely doesn’t remember. In any case I’m happy for you that she will be moving on and no longer under your care or concern. That may sound harsh, but she needs to be with her family. I’m so glad that your son and daughter-in-law want to move into that house. May it once again bring back some happy days for all of you. And may we all keep growing and becoming totally His. Love, N 🙂 ❤

  3. Tricia says:

    Oh Julie, my heart goes out to you as you deal with some pretty major giants. Prayers to you for comfort and peace through this process and may things settle son.

  4. Citizen Tom says:

    Our brains are biological computers. Our souls reside in our bodies, but we think with our brains, and our brains can fail. Curiously, senility unravels our newest memories first.

    I had a great aunt who became senile when she was old. What we first noticed is that she started writing notes to herself. If my short term memory became notes on paper, I would right away be totally lost. I am too disorganized for that to ever work.

    • It has been crazy Tom as well as scary—as it is worrisome about our own uncertain future and minds….

      • Citizen Tom says:

        @Julie (aka Cookie)

        I understand the feeling. Therefore, I keep reminding myself that because of Jesus, our future is certain.

        Put it this way. I expect you committed yourself to Jesus when you were young. I waited until I was in my fifties. If I become senile, will I forget I have been saved? Now that would be grim.

      • I think Tom no matter your ability to process such– He will continue holding you and you will truly find yourself resting in the palm of His hand– and despite my having perhaps found Him early on– I have weaved in and out from Him over the course of my life– coming back and more deeply in.. in these latter years– as it is a growing process

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