I think we could have been friends…and I do have some really nice lamps

That piece of paper changed your child’s legal parents,
but did nothing to alter their DNA.

Adoption and Birth Mothers

All my life I’ve looked into a mirror and wondered…
I’ve wondered who it is that has made the face that looks back at me.

Being adopted one wonders such things.

I turn 60 this year and I still look and wonder.

Whose eyes
Whose mouth.
Whose hair.
Whose lack of eyebrows.

When I first started blogging, this was one of the topics that I would often touch upon because
it was very much a part of who I was…who I am.

I am adopted.
Born in 1959.
Adopted in 1960.

Back at the first of the year I finally decided to do one those popular DNA tests.

My physician and I got to talking about my unknown medical history…as we keep
having little surprises…
What of my son and his medical surprises and that of my new grandchildren??
Plus I had a dear friend in Colorado who had just met her own birth mother…
What did I have to lose right?

As I mentioned, I had grandchildren now and I very much wanted for them to know this
“secretive” past of mine.
I wanted /want for them to know their genealogy, their origins, just as I want them to know their
medical history…just as I want this for my son.

As of now, I have three blood relatives…my son and my two grandchildren.

I was a history major for heaven’s sake!
History is so keenly important to me…and yet I don’t know my own history.
How pathetic is that?

I have been the unofficial keeper of my family’s genealogy…but the fact of the matter is…
this is not really MY family’s history.
I feel like a specter on someone else’s tree.

Adoption is an integral part of who I am and an integral part of my DNA.
Whether I want to admit it or not, it is the fact of who I am.

I recently stumbled upon a website written by a birth mother, who had given up
her child and her current quest is to dispell misconceptions and set the
facts straight.

Some of her words pierced directly through my heart…

“It’s natural and normal to need to know where you come from and how your child is.
It’s human nature and the fact that your adopted child
has searched for you is a testament that they are actually quite normal.”

The adoptee has a RIGHT to know where they come from.
No adoptee should not have to be a banned as a dirty little secret their whole life.
No one should have to have their very existence denied to protect another’s feelings,
even their own mothers.

It doesn’t matter that you view them as a stranger now,
they were not meant to be strangers, they were not strangers, your child is not a stranger!
You are still the only person in this universe that created this human who dares
to want to talk to you.
You have a moral responsibility to BE there for your adoptee.
Mothers DO for our children.

We are supposed to provide unconditional love for them.
That is our job and the relinquishment was not a discharge from service.

Adoption and Birth Mothers

This is just a small piece to a long story.
60 years worth of a story I suppose.

Just suffice it to know that I received some disheartening news today
regarding my birth mother.

She is still alive and is 83 years young.

I’ll put all of this together into a more coherent post soon, but for now,
my emotions are simply running quite raw.

They say that children who are given up for adoption have a lifelong battle with rejection.

Should that adult child ever find their birth mother and she, though a lawyer,
states that there is to never be any sort of contact as this is a “matter” of the past and
it is in the past that it is to remain…
well, then that becomes a matter of double rejection.

Why does having a lawyer these days seem to be the definitive answer to everything?
Rather than a “by God, this is the way it is”—rather now it is “by the words of this
specific legal eagle, this’ is the end of things, capiche?
Because if not, you will be hit with some sort of legal nightmare.

I sat with tears streaming down my face this afternoon looking at a lamp that was my grandmothers.
It is indeed a fine lamp.
A beautifully old lamp.
A coveted lamp by the lamp shop who repaired it.

I have some nice things…
I don’t want your nice things.

It is not a matter of my wanting anything from someone.
I am happy, comfortable and not lacking.
There should not be a fear of some sort of monetary want.
There should not be a fear of a knock on the door and the desire for
the need of a mother.
There is no desire to rock your neat and tidy world.

There are only questions and a desire for answers.
Like where in the heck did the lack of these lips come from?

I am a nice person.
I would be a good friend.
But yet you’ve opted not to know about that.
And you said so through a lawyer.
And for that, I am sorry.

Men who live far away will come and help to rebuild the Temple of the Lord.
And when it is rebuilt, you will know that the Lord Almighty sent me to you.
This will all happen if you fully obey the commands of the Lord your God.

Zechariah 6:15

47 comments on “I think we could have been friends…and I do have some really nice lamps

  1. hrh7 says:

    I felt all your emotions reading this. It came through clearly. And for that I give you my e hugs. They may seem insubstantial in light of what you truly want, to have a chance to get to know your genealogy. And you may feel and constantly deal with feelings of rejection but you have the power to tell yourself that rejection is not your full story. It is just a fact and the presence of the fact cannot hurt you any more. Depersonalization is a trick that I have constantly used and it helps me objectively view emotions as facts. Facts don’t have the capacity to hurt me continuously. That is what I believe. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗. I’m thankful to you for sharing!

    • Thank you my friend.
      I wrote that post yesterday evening a couple of hours after the gal at Families First called me with the news.
      The organization is Georgia’s Adoption Reunion Registry.
      A hybrid of the now defunct state adoption agency I was processed through all those many years ago.
      The search is obviously very anonyomous and I think it was the fact that this woman felt the need to immediately solicit the assistance of a lawyer rather than merely letting the social worker know that she was not interested in any sort of contact, was what stung most sharply.

      I have done a pretty good job all of my life compartmentalizing but every once in a while, I let those overwhelming things get to me more than ususal. This was just such a time.

      I appreciate your hugs and warm kindness.
      And I write in hopes that my words, my experiences may comfort others.

      When I woke this morning, the sun was shining, the sky was blue and I was still who I am.
      Of which I am grateful.

      Thank you for your support and love felt through your words.

  2. phyllissnipes says:

    hrh7’s words are powerful. My thought is also, if your birth mother could only read this post…how I wish should could!

    I know there are mysteries you would like to solve and unknowns you would be so happy to address. That makes perfect sense. At the same time, keep ever mindful that no matter what, You are still one of God’s most precious creations. HE created you, not any woman!! And His love is endless.

    • Thank you Phyllis—when I got up this morning, I told myslef “it’s all good”— and it is.

      Things happen for a reason…all things— and nothing passes by the eyes of the Father unknown.

      It’s like Sophie told me yesterday, I’ve been processing this for quite somethime, this woman was just hit with this…maybe with a little time to think, she may change her mind…or not.

      I knew going into this “quest” that this was one of the two outcomes and that I would live either way.

      Yesterday stung. It was a gut punch.
      I wanted very much to say to this woman that I was a normal person…not a weirdo or someone who was wanting money or things or even to invade her world.

      But the frustrating thing about it all was that I couldn’t say that to her and she wouldn’t allow herself to know that. And the fact that she felt the need to surround herself with a lawyer–of which says volumes.
      I think that she felt compelled to “protect” herself legally was what hurt the most.
      I’m not a monster that one needs protection from.

      One thing I have come to realize is that I am to include her and her family in my prayers.
      To ask God’s grace to be poured out upon her and her family just I pray such for my own family.

      No resentment, no anger…just Grace.
      I wouldn’t be who I am today without that Grace…and I know you of all people know that!
      I love you Phyllis.

      • phyllissnipes says:

        Once in a while, very rarely, someone enters your life who connects for a lifetime. You are such a friend to me, Julie. When you hurt, I hurt. Just as Jesus does. I know this is a huge disappointment, one that reaches deep. But you are indeed doing exactly what you need to do at this hurtful moment in time – look to today, the beautiful world we have, and the blessings around you. Most important, consider your miracles as you look into the eyes of your precious mayor and sheriff, “and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace!!!”

  3. atimetoshare.me says:

    My heart aches for you, Julie. I know I would feel the same if I were in this situation. I’d want to know, because our history really does define who we are. The truth is, you are amazing. God gave you life. He has been with you throughout these sixty years and will be until the end. You can trust that His place in your heart will guarantee eternity in heaven. Every day, I look forward to reading your posts – to laughing with you over silly things – to being your friend. Even though we’ve never met, I feel we’ve become sisters through this whole “blobbing” experience. My life has been enhanced by you and I’m so grateful for that. You are starting a new generation. You are in a way the beginning of your genealogy. Look ahead to what those grandchildren will become because of you and your love of the Lord.

    • Yes Kathy–despite our never having met, I consider you one of my dearest friends…and for that I am so grateful.

      My head knows all those logical things…but yesterday when the social worker called me, my initial reaction was one of an overwhelming sorrow.

      But today, the sun came up, the birds were singing and I was the same person today as I was yesterday.
      I know it’s all good and ok.

      I’m sure there will be roller coaster swings of ups and downs—days I’ll let the heaviness of self-pity creep in—but then again, I know the source of such is from our ancient enemy—God’s Grace now covers this heart of mine and it is that Grace to which I cling.

      And yes, The Mayor and the new Sheriff are the beginning of grand things!!!

      Know that I love you my friend.

  4. Citizen Tom says:

    @Julie

    The lawyer is a strange twist, but some people are accustomed to using them. At least you have a definite answer.

    We are suppose to rejoice in all things. Not always easy. Still, we can. Our father and mother — our Creator — ultimately is God. When we have children, in a small way (because we are made in His image) we get to imitate Him and create someone in our image (truly His). Because we love our children, this is a gift that allows us to understand how much He loves us. Perhaps this is the gift we should cherish the most.

    Whatever her reason, your birth mother decided to forgo the joy she could have known raising you, and she is still committed to that choice. Be glad you did not make the same choice, and pray for her. Be glad for what you have learned about our Father in Heaven.

    • Thank you my very wise friend.
      Your words are always a balm to my soul Tom.
      Yes, the lawyer thing threw me a curve as I thought that to be really an extreme.
      Not just her letting the social worker know her feelings but that she chose to answer through a lawyer’s words.
      My initial response was I am not a monster from who you must protect yourself but as I’ve thought about it, I imagine she must be terribly fearful.
      And yes, we rejoice even in the sorrowful.
      I was not formed without God’s fingerprints—and for that I indeed rejoice.
      Thank you Tom

  5. Salvageable says:

    I feel sad for you, Julie, and I’m glad to read that you are OK with it after all. I suppose it’s possible that this woman who gave birth to you fears that you might seek some legal claim from her rather than simply wanting to know her–and her history. Maybe time will change her mind. J.

  6. Many hugs….may the Lord comfort you and strengthen your heart!

  7. lynnabbott says:

    Oh, Julie… my heart breaks with yours! Love you so!! 💜💜

  8. oneta hayes says:

    Julie, your bio mother has missed and is missing a lot. Her shell has had many years to build, with extra hardness on each of your birthdays, Mother’s Days, and pangs when every friend and relative has introduced their new child to her. She apparently does not realize that you have had everyone of those times also – times for the questions to rise again. A meeting with her might have provided a more pleasing closure. Who knows? Your Lord. Keep trusting. You are loved by many. And your story has touched hearts. There might be other absent mothers who learn through your loss, and they will probably be more tuned to reaching out to the ones who need them.

  9. I feel deeply sad with you. Romans 12:15 tells us to weep with those who weep and it does happen to us sometimes doesn’t it, we are moved to weep with others. I don’t have any helpful words but I do feel your pain. Hopefully your pain will be lessened by the burden carrying shoulders of many. God says …. before you were in your mother’s womb I knew you. Despite the bumps in the road He has a plan for your life. That’s the bigger picture. You are here by His design, to fulfill His purpose. I think you already know what that is and are on track.

    • Thank you so very much for your kind words.
      Yes, there is a bigger picture…I know.
      Not always easy to see, but it is there.
      Thank you for sharing this burden.
      It is made lighter knowing that others are helping to carry it and me.
      May God pour out His blessings upon you…

  10. SharaC says:

    My friend, I have read this three times now. It’s so easy to put this strange part of life on the back burner, we were taught to do so our entire lives. I’m learning that there are very different schools of thought here, and when they collide, it’s inexplicably painful. My (adoptive) mom thinks it’s absurd and unnatural to even think about any of it. It’s so engrained in her that there is no hope for understanding. It’s natural and normal to want to know, to see the other side, but because of the pain involved (is it pain or something else?) they have closed that door. I’d say it’s a process and it’s not crazy to pray for a change of heart. It’s a shock to the system on everyone’s end when this comes back to light so many years later, I’m praying that Gods love will break through her heart and change it. The overwhelming theme for people like us my friend is that we are created by God Himself and there was always a beautiful and redemptive plan for us, regardless of how either mother reacts! I’m in the thick of it over here, just on the opposite end. Prayers and love to you.

    • I wanted to call you the minute I hung up after the social worker had called with her news. Then I was going to email but I was so crestfallen that Gregory put me in the car and we went to drive around.
      It wasn’t so much her refusal as it was the need to lawyer up. The process is confidential and seemingly anonymous. The agency found her and reached out so she could have simply responded with a no to the agency and that would be that— rather she gets a lawyer who did the communication with the agency and since there is a lawyer involved and is considered a third party, the social worker wasn’t even allowed to share my letter— that I think had she read, she might understand I mean her no harm. It just made me feel like I was something horrible she needed protection from.

      The social worker now has to send an affidavit to the lawyer for her to sigh and she hopes to word the letter in such a way that I just wanted some information, not a relationship.

      I take it that your adopted mom is struggling through all of this.
      I’m sorry Shara.

      Life and choices are colliding— it’s never easy is it!

      And yet I do know that God is in the thick of all of this with us.

      • SharaC says:

        He sure is, and that is my anchor. No it didn’t go well at all. She firmly believes it’s weird and unhealthy for my birth mom to think of me and vice versa. She’s hurt and made it all about herself, and as much as I want to explain it’s actually not about her at all, there’s only so much a person can say. Your birth mom is hardened in the same way, I think years of who knows what build up and no logic or facts can really change it. I do think it’s rather odd to be at the tail end of life and not want to participate at least a little bit in the process, very strange. But you never know what is tumbling around in her mind, something may eventually break through. But it’s a rejection of the hardest kind – I get it. An intimate stranger. Prayers for this time, that you will grab on to your gorgeous family and blessings and enjoy the life God has given. It’s cliché to say, but it’s her loss. I’ll keep her in my prayers, that the wounded parts would heal, maybe she just has never dealt with it. Never too old or too late. ❤️❤️

      • This brought tears to my eyes Shara so I opted to email you last night rather than write my response here— thank you for sharing your journey with me and for helping me to walk my own. ☺️

  11. SLIMJIM says:

    Wow this was an emotional read and I can’t imagine what’s its like in your shoes. I’m not even sure I read it correctly since its an emotional topic. Did I read that correctly she didn’t talk to you directly but got a lawyer to contact back???!

  12. SLIMJIM says:

    Is it possible that given her old age larger forces are at work here? I hate to speculate but I wonder if there’s her children also involved with this to make it a legal matter and someone having power of attorney concerning her and thus the legal response but not necessarily her per se?

  13. Tricia says:

    So sorry Julie that your biological mom refuses to connect with you. Who knows why but it’s definitely her loss. Much love and comfort to you my friend.

  14. Dawn Marie says:

    I am so sorry, Julie. But even sorriest for the woman who opened her womb to you, but not her heart. I will pray for her. And I would ask you to consider perhaps this “rough” ending was put in place by God to protect you & not harm. He revealed, through her calloused legal action, a lot about her – perhaps sheltering you from further harm. May you be at peace. A warm hug sent your way to uplift you.

    • Hi Dawn Marie—I’m sorry I’m just now responding to your gracious and kind comment.
      Life quickly turned upside down when James was born, then rushed to the hospital —all since I was hit with this little chapter in my life.
      I’ve thought a great deal about all of this and of your kind words.
      I think you are very much correct.
      The knee jerk legal approach does speak volumes—
      God does see and He does know.’
      One day she will too.
      Thanks–
      I’m writing about all of this in tomorrow’s post and even sharing your comment, I hope you won’t mind.
      It is a wise comment.
      Thank you my friend—

  15. Dawn Marie says:

    I think of and pray for you often – both in this revelation and for James’ continued recovery.

    Please know how humbled I am to have been His messenger, for only by the grace of the Holy Spirit could I have known what He desired your heart to hear. May you always remember how truly loved by Him you are and may you continue to see the infinite ways in which He will show you….. Hugs & Blessings dear friend from afar!

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