“Cast yourself into the arms of God and be very sure that if
He wants anything of you,
He will fit you for the work and give you strength.”
St. Philip Neri
(a sky of pelicans / Julie Cook / 2020)
Hands which sustain the heavens are all powerful to supply our necessities,
to uphold us in temptation, and to turn all things to our profit.
And why should we not have confidence in God?
Is He not the most powerful as well as the most tender of fathers? …
Do not dwell upon your unworthiness or your failings,
but raise your eyes to God and consider the infinite goodness
and mercy with which He deigns to apply a remedy to all our miseries.
Reflect upon the truth of His words,
for He has promised to help and comfort all who humbly and confidently
invoke His sacred name.
Consider also the innumerable benefits which you have hitherto
received from His paternal hand,
and let His bounty in the past inspire you to trust the future to Him
with renewed hope.
Above all, consider the merits and sufferings of Christ,
which are our principal title to God’s grace and mercy,
and which form the treasure whence the Church supplies
the necessities of her children.
It was from a confidence inspired by such motives that the saints
drew that strength which rendered them as firm as Mount Sion,
and established them in the holy city whence they never could be moved.
(Cf. Ps.124:1).”
Venerable Louis of Grenada, p. 404
An Excerpt From
The Sinner’s Guide
When confronted with two evils,
a man will always choose the most attractive.
Anonymous
(the quince faded and yet in the summer’s dogdays, are now reving back up / Julie Cook / 2020)
With little to no time to tend to the yard as I would normally do this time of year…sadly,
surreally, this time of year has not been like previous times of year…
So having taken out the garbage the other evening, I glanced once again forlornly,
over to the ever-growing leggy quince, the fledgling maple trees,
and some stubborn resprouting crepe myrtles all dotting the back bank…
Disgusted by what I saw…weeds were thriving amongst that which was treasured.
Neglected entirely too long!
Is this not the current story of our lives?
The negative now flourishing amongst that which we hold dear because of our distractions,
our worries, our heaviness…
So I threw the trash in the bin and grabbed my clippers…enough already!!!!
I went over the quince first.
I wanted to hit the high spots…that obnoxious giant poke salat and those
annoying runners from the crepe myrtle that was cut down years ago and those shoots
from the maple trees…
but as I clipped and yanked with the ire and determination of a woman frustrated with
much more than aggravating weeds…something caught my eye…
WHAT???
Hidden amongst the quice was something rather unkind and most unwelcomed.
Poison Ivy.
Or was it worse..was it the dreaded thunder wood?
I had already clipped and pulled, without my gloves mind you, several of these
“pesky” weeds, before realizing these pesky weeds were much more insidious than shoots,
runners or the blooming plants from random dropped seeds by passing birds.
I dropped my bundle of weeds, along with my clippers, practically running inside to immediately
wash my hands.
The next day I saw this:
Okay I thought, I have prescription cream for such…I’ve got this.
The day after that, two more spots on my shoulder.
Okay, more cream.
The day after that, after itching through much of the night, may we now times these
few red blistery spots by at least 100 that now currently cover my entire torso.
The doctor gave me a steroid shot today and a prednisone pack.
Did I mention the 6 or more hot flashes I’m already experiencing throughout the night
due to stopping the HRT?
Itching, hot flashes…
Sleep?!
HA!
Insomnia is my middle name!
Don’t worry about that twitching eye, it’s trained on the madness raging all around us.
Yet in all of this, I was reminded that where we think beauty and peace reside,
where we believe calm and simplicity rest, our ancient nemesis does not sleep.
Remember this as you ponder the current madness ravaging our nation.
(Christ smashing the head of the serpent in the Garden / The Passion of the Christ)
Be sober-minded; be watchful.
Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and position,
with thanksgiving, present your requests before God.
Philippians 4:6
(male and female urinary tract medical chart)
This is the chart that was staring at me today from the back of the door inside
the procedure room where I sat waiting.
I felt it was a waste of my time, not to mention money,
to be sitting and waiting on this final of three procedures.
The race down this particular rabbit hole was not, is not, a part of my current issues…
or so was my non-medical opinion.
Ever since July, I have been slowly riding a bit of a medical merry-go-round.
Bloodwork results resulted in more bloodwork.
More bloodwork results resulted in more specialized doctors.
Waiting on specialized results resulted in waiting to be seen by more specialists.
All kinds of specialists.
It seems this Sjögren’s business leads to soft tissue disease,
eye troubles, mouth troubles, kidney troubles, joint troubles,
even upping lymphoma possibilities.
Over the years, I’ve had the eyes, mouth and joint issues that I just thought
were odd individuals annoyances and not linked together.
Turns out they were linked.
Now throw in the soft tissue disease…gees.
The bloodwork results were all somewhat unsettling.
Elevated levels here, diminished levels there.
Ups and downs all over the place.
Add to that a suspected pancreatitis attack this past weekend…of which
could be gallbladder related…or not…
And thus the mystery deepens.
Now the doctors seem to keep multiplying and the merry-go-round keeps spinning.
Occult blood means that blood is detected via the labs and not seen by the naked eye.
It raises flags and eyebrows by the medical world.
It seems they found occult blood—hence my sitting and staring at a urinary tract chart.
Before her death three years ago, when my aunt was diagnosed with kidney cancer,
she had had no symptoms, no clues… but she did have occult blood.
I will admit, that despite my feelings that my third visit to this particular specialist’s
office was just a waste of time and money, a slight worry did gnaw at the back of my mind.
Thankfully, my non-medical expertise was correct…
All was indeed well…
all but a small kidney stone that has been in the same kidney in the same
spot for the past 4 years.
It is, however, the looming MRI in two weeks, the doctor’s appt on Thursday, what tests
will be added, and the other doctor appointments following the MRI—
all of which will hopefully be more telling.
Casting a bit of light into the darkness so to speak.
It’s not that I’m worried.
I just want to know, finally, what is what.
And then, how to go about dealing with the what.
That’s what doers like to do—they want to know what is what and then what to
do with that what.
However, I am a bit aggravated riding this merry-go-round of the medical world.
It is slow and it is time-consuming.
Yet I suppose many of us will all ride the merry-go-round at some point sooner or later
in our lives.
I couldn’t help but marvel in the day’s verse that came my way…
“Do not be anxious about anything…”
Those words echoed in my mind as I sat on that exam table.
Amen..be not anxious.
Prayer and thanksgiving…
Fast forward to the day’s end.
The day’s news is unfolding as I type, while missiles now fly across the skies in Iraq.
Breaking alerts keep interrupting the evening’s quiet…
My thoughts race back to that verse—
I took it as a fine-tuned spoken word for me today as I sat staring at that medical chart,
waiting for an unknown scope.
So now I cling to those same spoken words as this Nation sits wondering and waiting.
Do not be anxious—petition, pray and give thanks.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with
thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
“A King will have his way in his own hall, be it folly or wisdom.”
J.R.R. Tolkien
(the Mayor / Julie Cook / 2019)
I suppose we should raise the royal standard announcing to all the local constituents
that their Mayor, her royal highness, is now in residence in the
satellite office of Woobooville…
However, since the constituents consist of her grandfather, her grandmother and the two cats…
one of whom is not happy at all to see her, I think the standard shall remain unfurled.
The Mayor, however, did set about business immediately by meeting with a disgruntled neighbor.
It seems this “neighbor” is very opposed to one of the cats sitting on the front porch and
made a very vocal opposition of such—all the while the Mayor listened to the complaints
very intently and naturally full of curiosity and compassion…
(the mockingbird mere feet from the Mayor complaining about the proxiemity of the 13 year old car/
Julie Cook / 2019)
(the Mayor listening to the mockingbird’s complaints / Julie Cook / 2019)
And then there was the important task of watering—of which the Mayor takes very seriously…
that was until a wasp was unpleased and let the Mayor know in a most painful manner.
The Mayor’s first bee sting.
A slight hiccup to duty, but after about a 10-minute meltdown, and some chief aide’s offering of TLC,
it was business as usual.
(the Mayor before the wasp found her / Julie Cook / 2019)
Now the Mayor is in the midst of a transition—that would be a transition of hairstyles.
As her hair is now growing out and covering her eyes,
there is the matter of how to best remove it from said vision.
For the time being she is opting for a throw-back of the 60’s headband…hoping to bring back
an old stylish trend.
Stay tuned for the latest headlines from this field reporter regarding the Mayor’s official
visit to the satellite office of Woobooville…
“At the end of our life, we shall be judged by charity.”
St. Paul of the Cross
(Getty Image)
“How great is the sweetness which a soul experiences, when, in the time of prayer, God,
by a ray of his own light, shows to her his goodness and his mercies towards her,
and particularly the love which Jesus Christ has borne to her in his passion!
She feels her heart melting, and, as it were, dissolved through love.
But in this life we do not see God as he really is:
we see him, as it were, in the dark.
‘We see now through a glass in a dark manner, but then face to face’ (1 Cor. 13:12).
Here below God is hidden from our view; we can see him only with the eyes of faith:
how great shall be our happiness when the veil shall be raised,
and we shall be permitted to behold God face to face!
We shall then see his beauty, his greatness, his perfection, his amiableness,
and his immense love for our souls.”
St. Alphonsus Liguori, p. 133
An Excerpt From
Sermons of St. Alphonsus Liguori
“On the single strand of wire strung to bring our house electricity,
grackles and starlings neatly punctuated an invisible sentence.”
―John Updike
(grackles on the line / Julie Cook / 2014)
I imagine it happens to all of us at some point or other…
and it’s always out of the blue…
It catches us totally off guard— when we least expect it.
Suddenly a lump is forming in our throat as we find the words catching, cracking and breaking as we can barely whisper along.
And just when we frustratingly focus on the fact that no sound seems to be
coming from a voice attempting to speak, stinging tears now form in our
eyes, rendering us both mute and almost blind…
Mute and blind with raw emotion.
We blink hard and swallow hard…as we hear our brain pleading “not here, not now….”
Maybe we’re just sitting on the couch…
Maybe we’re walking down the aisle at the grocery store pushing a cart full of
paper towels and cat food…
Maybe we’re sitting in the middle of traffic, stuck…
Maybe we’re sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting….
It doesn’t matter where we are or what we’re doing…it happens…
and it happens when it wants to…never mind what we want.
And there is always some sort of trigger…
as the ordinariness of life is punctured like an over inflated tire…
our breath begins to release as we are helpless to hold it in….
It comes suddenly out of the blue..
Out of nowhere…and there it is…
A familiar sound, a familiar tune, a familiar voice…more oldie then goldie…
For me this time, it was Wichita Lineman and it wasn’t even Glen Campbell
singing the song but rather someone else…
Yet it mattered not—it was still that same melodious memory drifting in on
the passage of time… swirling down on the currents until settling sweetly, yet
painfully, in the recall of memory.
My mother loved Glen Campbell.
What woman in those heady days of the late 60’s didn’t?
Dashing boyish good looks…dimples, perfect hair, sculpted nose,
laced with a velvety voice.
He wasn’t Country, he wasn’t Gospel, he wasn’t Pop…
he was simply the complete package.
I can remember sitting with mother in 1969 on that old tweed couch
watching the Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour—
This was a time when children could actually watch television without fear of hearing
or seeing things that children shouldn’t really see or hear emanating
from a television….
The line is iconic… “and I need you more than want you….
and I want you for all time….
for the Wichita lineman is still on the line…”
…as heart tugging violins finish out the notes….
About two years ago, give or take,
Glen Campbell and his current wife (I say current because he had had four marriages
with one in particular making for tabloid drama) gave what was to be Glen’s
last public interview.
Glen Campbell was suffering from Alzheimers.
A disease that actually claimed his life earlier this year.
The selfish disease was robbing his family of the husband and father they loved
while robbing a man of the one person he’d known best his entire life…
that being himself.
He was asked about singing and his songs— what song had he loved the most….
A question I would think somewhat difficult for any musician / singer,
who had had such long careers, to answer—
As songs and melodies ebb and flow with the times—
Because it’s hard to compare what was a career starter with what came about
during one’s peak moment throughout such a lengthy career…
But he answered quickly and at first very effortlessly… “it’s really the best line of all time in a song you know…. isn’t it???”
as he then turned to his wife with that lost look of one battling with a
memory-robbing illness, when he sadly and poignantly realized he didn’t
remember now what line he was talking about.
His wife offered a small airy couple of notes with the first word, which allowed
Glen’s mind to grab hold as he finished the stanza himself in beautiful A cappella
fashion.
And it is an iconic line.
A beautiful line.
A line that has for me, over time, changed it’s meaning.
Songs, lyrics and melodies all have that effect on us.
So much so that I think I’ve written about this before—and about this very same
song for most likely the very same reason—
It simply caught me off guard.
It reached out through the abyss of time grabbing hold of my arm while pulling
me to a bittersweet place I don’t often like to go.
The hot tears formed as I attempted to utter those familiar words….but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t even speak the words because they had stuck in my throat…
as they achingly cracked coming from my mouth without sound…
And then slowly…the recesses of a memory came into focus,
I was seeing the one who had first loved that song long before I had.
She had her own personal reasons, her own personal recollections…
Things that, at the time, were unbeknownst to me.
Something that caused an overwhelming sense of melancholy…
Something that had left her with words which had no sound,
something that had left her eyes wet with warm tears…
I had no way of knowing then…no way of understanding…
for I had not lived yet what she had lived…
Yet sweetly and even oddly in that bittersweet moment of hearing that single song
with that most iconic simple lyric, I actually understood what she had known
all those many years ago…as warm tears filled my eyes and the words coming
from my mouth had no sound…I was transported one day closer to understanding
the woman I had lost so long ago…
Let this be written for a future generation,
that a people not yet created may praise the Lord:
“The Lord looked down from his sanctuary on high,
from heaven he viewed the earth,
to hear the groans of the prisoners
and release those condemned to death.”
So the name of the Lord will be declared in Zion
and his praise in Jerusalem
when the peoples and the kingdoms
assemble to worship the Lord.
Psalm 102:18-22
“Yup.
The end of a way of life.
Too bad.
It’s a good way.
Wagons forward!
Yo!”
John Wayne
A faithful friend is a strong defense;
And he that hath found him hath found a treasure.
Louisa May Alcott
I’ve spent the better part of the past two years circling my wagons…
As I’ve been riding on a merry-go-round of all things focused on caring for a dad…
one who has been more child than father…
as it should be noted that that has been pretty much him for the majority of my adult life.
As a life long high school teacher, I can multitask with the best of them…
except when it comes to a crisis…
then my mind and actions narrow.
I become steely eyed…
as I grow laser focused,
blocking out most everything that sits on the periphery of life,
as I turn every available resource to the problem.
Trouble is, there have been a myriad of troubles during the course of
the last couple of years…
all of which have kept me and my sights narrowed and hyper-focused
for much longer than is most likely healthy….
hence my back, or whatever it is back there that has me unknowingly holding my hand
to my lower back as I go about my day in a gingerly fashion….
So unlike my ADDness of darting here and there all before blinking…
As an only child caring for two elderly individuals who have varying degrees of dementia,
as well as a wealth of physical ailments…
and who live miles away in a different city from my own…
it has all left me more and more isolated and emotionally spent
It seems my closest friend these days is the main caregiver who spends her days
making certain no one falls or forgets their medications…
let alone forgetting to eat…
which for one of them is a constant battle.
I live on the road, traversing back and forth.
The days I spend not traversing,
are spent on the phone with various doctors and healthcare facilities,
or paying a sea of endless bills,
or simply organizing a home and household other than my own…
A house that is nearly 65 years old and needs much in the way of care….
My phone rings constantly with the calls from an ever growing confused 88 year old man
who has decided he will die in the hospital come Friday during his surgery…
as his wife, my stepmother,
just can’t understand and is irritated as to why he keeps having to run to the loo.
The concept of a large tumor and bladder cancer has simply flown totally
over her head as she has decided she hates the new dishwasher.
I had to buy it,
have it installed
and now she hates it
for the one single reason…
that I bought it…
Go figure…
She now demands that the caregivers hand wash every dish and glass.
Just as she refuses to eat the groceries brought into the house
because she is convinced they have all gone bad and are rotten upon
arriving fresh from the store.
And if it’s not dad calling, it’s the caregivers calling with the latest craziness
as I work my magic to put out the fires of bodies and minds fighting themselves….
The journey getting here was slow and almost unnoticeable at first.
There were, however, signs and warnings…
Signs and warnings, that perhaps in my naiveté,
I thought would all turn out differently
or never materialize in the first place…
Just like the pictures I had in my mind of my future with my mother…
That when she would one day grow old and grey…as dad is now,
I warmly entertained the thoughts of how we’d have fun together…
We’d go to lunch and to the antique shops we each enjoyed when she and I were younger..
Just as we would then travel and see the world…together…
But those thoughts were smashed 30 years ago when she suddenly died from cancer….
So I don’t know why I try to imagine things as a certain way,
as that is not how they will be…
For the snowball has picked up momentum and is barreling at breakneck speed toward me…
And so, yes, I have circled my wagons…
drawing my camp ever near.
As my circle in life has tightened..
excluding many from what once was…
My eyes have narrowed
As I hold my cards tight to my chest,
lest they reveal too much…hopefulness…
Yet this story of woe is not as tragic as it might seem…
Nor is this heart bitter as it might sound…
For despite the fact that my world has shrunk from what it was…
from my friends
from my freedom
from my choices
from my comings and goings…
there has been much…
inward growing
inward learning
inward bending
inward moulding
inward shaping
For the winds of this life are shifting…
And attentions must be turning…
So I ready myself and my camp
for that which comes our way…
‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’
declares the LORD,
‘plans for welfare and not for calamity
to give you a future and a hope.’
Jeremiah 29:11
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
Amen.
A prayer attributed to Reinhold Neibuhr (1892-1971)
Read my letter to the old folks, and give my love to them,
and tell my brothers to be always watching unto prayer, and when the good old ship of Zion comes along, to be ready to step aboard
Harriet Tubman
Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.
C. S. Lewis
(two ghost crabs eyeing one another / Julie Cook / 2015)
Are we ever truly alone, left to our own devices, quirks, likes, dislikes. . .
or
Are we scrutinized, analyzed, picked apart and studied by hidden eyes?
Do we hide away feeling safe in the stillness of what it means to be alone. . .
With the quiet seeping into our veins, offering a soothing comfort–
Where freedom is allowed to soar?
Are we lost in the silence of one?
Either pulling a welcoming blanket close, warding off the chill of frosty glances–
Or do we grow uncomfortable with perspiring nerves from heated examinations?
Watching
Looking
Seeing
Wondering
We are watched over before we are even born.
Monitored, measured and observed. . .
Wondered about, marveled over and hoped for. . .
Yet we grow constantly eagerly independent,
fighting any and all watchful care.
Hidden secrets kept from those who see.
Struggling to hide away from prying eyes.
Yet there will always be two who see. . .
Two watchful ones who know. . .
Ourselves and our Creator—
The question remains, are we comfortable with either set of watchful eyes?
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121:3-8
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
Rumi
“Listen to me,” cried Syme with extraordinary emphasis. “Shall I tell you the secret of the whole world? It is that we have only known the back of the world. We see everything from behind, and it looks brutal. That is not a tree, but the back of a tree. That is not a cloud, but the back of a cloud. Cannot you see that everything is stooping and hiding a face? If we could only get round in front”
― G.K. Chesterton
(the parting of the storm / Julie Cook
Where are you hiding my beloved?
Pray tell what barriers separate love?
Do you seek as you are sought?
Do you spend your waking hours searching?
Just as you spend your slumber and dreams, hiding?
How shall the clouds of consciousness part?
Will you draw them back, dispelling the shadows
or
Will you draw them closed, blocking the radiance from sight?
Sorely you are in need as you heart thirsts to be quenched
Your tears are spent as your spirit sinks low
A lone whisper is heard riding across the winds. . . Lift your face my child. . .
Allow the Light to wash away the darkness–
But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul
Deuteronomy 4:29
“There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle
(a tiny little skipper butterfly / Julie Cook / 2015)
Standing outside under a crisp blue sky,
lost to Winter’s bareness, forlornly, I sigh. . .
Suddenly. . .
something fast and quick
something with color
something out of place
Dashes sporadically past a bewildered face.
Flittering
Herky jerky
Erratically bobbing up and down. . .
In and out of the greys and browns. . .
The tiny intruder darts brazenly past my head. . .
“What in the world” was all I could be heard to have said.
February 6th,
a nippy winter’s day is certainly no place at all
for a butterfly’s early spring call!
Yet suddenly excited,
Ecstatic to say the least. . .
All hope and joy are miraculously increased!
Has Spring just ventured the tiniest bit closer
Or is this merely something out of place. . .
Sending emotions on a seasonal roller coaster?
Will color soon scatter all the grey away
as we all look forward to a much brighter day!
Here’s to our little visitor. . .
that he may bring glad tidings to our Winter weary senses. . .
from some far away place of warmth, bright lights and colorful days!!!
cookiecrumbstoliveby 